We Don’t Have to Fake It
Category: Unitarian Universalism - General
In the wake of Barack Obama’s “bitter” comment, there’s been a related and more interesting discussion about how the candidates express empathy for the struggles of Americans who backgrounds differ from themselves. In particular the focus seems to be on empathizing with Americans who are low-income and rural.
Stephen Colbert of “The Colbert Report” had a funny video about this several nights ago, in which he lampooned the candidates for “pretending” to enjoy such activities as bowling (Obama) and drinking shots at the local bar (Clinton). You can watch the video at the end of this post.
Essentially what Colbert picks up on is the performance of empathy by both candidates. In these displays, empathy isn’t the candidates actually listening to other people, while acknowledging the differences between themselves and the people with whom they are empathizing. Instead, empathy is actually trying to be another person, by acting out their presumed mannerisms or hobbies.
This is not empathy. Empathy comes from a place of authenticity and self-awareness. It’s the delicate balance of being authentic and self-aware enough to try to step out of one’s self and understand the feeling and experiences of another person, without pretending to actually be the other person.
This lesson doesn’t just apply to candidates: it applies to all of us. I’m reminded of two discussions I had, both about four years ago, with two people preparing to be Unitarian Universalist ministers.
One conversation was with a woman who suggested to me that in order to reach out to low-income people, Unitarian Universalist (UU) preachers needed to talk differently. Not talk about different issues, but use simpler words and constructions. Of course there were two wrong untrue assumptions there: 1. that low-income people can’t use and understand “big words” and complex sentence structures. 2. that in order for UU preachers who were not from low-income backgrounds to connect with low-income people, we needed to fake it.
The other conversation was with a man in his mid-twenties and close to completing the ministerial credentialing process to become a parish minister. I asked him, “How are you going to minister to people so much older than you? They will have gone through all this stuff that you haven’t gone through.” He answered, “Well, in a church there are always going to be people different from me. Do I have to be married to minister to married people? Do I have to have children to minister to people with children?”
If each of us could only empathize with people who have the same experiences we have, our ability to form connections with others would be very limited. I do believe empathy is possible across lines of income, race, sexual orientation, nationality, and many other divisions in experience and social status. That doesn’t mean empathy is easy, or that most of us will ever 100% understand another person’s feelings and perspective.
But in order for there to be genuine empathy, there has to be an acknowledgment of difference. We need to acknowledge that someone else has had a different experience from our own in order to be fully open to understanding their feelings and perspective.
April 18th, 2008 14:57
Hmmm…an acknowledgement of difference, yes, but also, I think, an acknowledgment of sameness.
I think there are some universals that allow us to experience empathy. For example, we have all experienced “loss”, or “loneliness”. While the actual details of those experiences and levels may differ, there is a common emotional component, i think, beneath it all. I think we do need to be connected to our own emotions and our own human vulnerabilities to experience empathy. I think real connection with people who have different experiences means connecting with our common humanness that is at the root of it all. Not that you’re sitting there focusing on your own stories while listening to another tell their story; it’s more of a forgetting about yourself while listening deeply to their story. But you understand the emotions because you’re human–and just as vulnerable to loss and pain as the next person, no matter the circumstances.
Just my thoughts…
April 18th, 2008 16:27
Hi Terri,
Yes, empathy also involves the recognition of something in another person that is familiar. As in, “Ok, I haven’t gone through a divorce, but my friend is describing feeling lonely, and I’ve felt that too, in a different situation.” That’s true. I guess what I meant to say is that the sense of recognition and connection can happen even in a situation in which people come from different cultures, social locations or life experiences, and that it happens when we are able to really listen to another person, and accept both the ways in which we are similar and the ways in which we are different.
April 18th, 2008 19:43
I agree with you about empathy.
And I totally agree that fitting in with the common folk via sound bite is not something either of them do well. (As a terrible bowler myself I feel badly for Barack). But neither of them was raised with a spectacular degree of privilege, so I wonder if part of the problem is that it’s hard to capture empathy on TV. I’m trying to think of times when I’ve seen someone express empathy on the news….and I’m coming up short (maybe Anderson’s reporting in New Orleans?). It seems like it has to be done in writing or in person, but not necessarily something that makes a “bite”.
(I hate to say it, but generally speaking, I’m in favor of simpler sentences in sermons, but it has nothing to do with low-income people, but with clarity.)
April 18th, 2008 20:26
Shelby, namaste.
Great post! The trying to act like others… not only is it not empathy but it’s disrespectful. It presumes that you can fool the other people into thinking that you’re just like them (which is inane) instead of recognizing difference and doing the work to actually try to understand their perspectives.
April 19th, 2008 13:50
Hi Ms. Theologian,
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head that television news isn’t the medium in which we’re likely to see genuine empathy. Of course there are times when people make an instant connection, but often empathy develops out of a sustained, intense experience of listening to the other person. I would imagine it is hard for any candidate to concentrate and listen to a single person at a campaign stop where there are bright lights, tons of people, cameras flashing and microphones everywhere.
Shaktinah, Thanks for pointing out that “The trying to act like others… not only is it not empathy but it’s disrespectful.” I agree; it can be a way of minimizing another’s person experience, especially when that experience is one of hardship.