Acceptance and Rejection

As I was selecting the blog posts to highlight in last week’s “Interdependent Web,” two jumped out at me as related to one another: “Ms. Theologian Ponders Praise,” by Stephanie Anagnoson of “Surviving the Workday” and “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” by Karen Rayne of “Adolescent Sexuality…” Acceptance and rejection are two sides of the same coin, and both can have a profound impact on how we see ourselves.

When a relationship ends, it can be devastating. If we are the “dumpee,” we are forced to deal with rejection, and if we are the “dumper” we are forced to reject another person in some way, which can also be a difficult experience. As Rayne writes:

There are lots of times that we get rejected. It can be by a love-interest, by a college, by a publishing agent, by potential job, by a current job (getting fired or “reassigned”). And learning how to hold on to your self-compassion through such an event is critical. Adolescence is a pretty good time to learn - the stakes aren’t as high as with a marriage or a career. It still hurts, it still sucks big time. But it also teaches re-grouping skills in a very effective, hands-on way.

Most of us don’t relish the opportunity to hone our “re-grouping skills” when the moment presents itself, whether we are teens or adults. But sometimes we have no choice. In the face of a significant rejection, the struggle for “self-compassion” is a struggle for emotional, perhaps even physical, survival.

There are several ways that I believe that religion can play a critical role in buffering us against the gusty winds of rejection, so that we are not too easily knocked about.

First, our belief systems can buffet us against the storm, reminding us that we have value apart from how much other people accept us at any given moment. Here I think Unitarian Universalism offers specific resources. The Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA)’s first principle emphasizes the inherent worth and dignity of every person — reminding us that we ourselves have an inherent worth that goes deeper than our professional success, our family relationships, the number of friends we have, or to what degree our talents are recognized and appreciated. This isn’t to say that professional success, a good family life, a strong network of friends and a general sense of being appreciated aren’t worthwhile goals. But even when we are not attaining those goals, we still have an inherent value that transcends our successes and failures. That’s a hard message to internalize about ourselves (and often about other people!), but it is a saving message.

Our Universalist heritage also offers some comfort here. The belief that all people will be saved by God, which was held by our Universalist ancestors, offers a platform for envisioning a God whose love is available to all people, and for envisioning a human family in which every person is an integral part. Again, this is a difficult message (are Hitler, Stalin and other perpetrators of atrocity really destined for heaven, if such an afterlife exists?) but also one that can offer tremendous comfort to us when we consider our own worth.

Second, congregations can be a venue for experiencing affirmation and acceptance. Another principle of the UUA includes the phrase “acceptance of one another.”

There are many ways that this acceptance is offered. I continue to be surprised by how social events in congregations are usually open to the general public. All you have to do is show-up and enjoy a potluck, movie night, trip to the beach, etc. I can’t think of another setting where anyone (assuming they don’t pose a physical threat to other people) is welcome to attend, whether you are a newcomer or a longtime church member, whether you are totally “cool” or totally socially-awkward, whether you are at a high point in life or a low one. The focus of these events is to offer connection and community for those who show up. Far from being the “icing on the cake of church life,” social events like these are a valuable part of our ministry to one another.

At church, we can offer acceptance and affirmation to one another not only through the programs we plan (which may include not only social events, but spiritual practice groups, discussion groups, worship, and other opportunities to grow in community), but also in the way we treat one another. I was very moved by the post from Rev. James Ford of “Monkey Mind” in which he wrote:

Someone once observed, “The loneliest hour she ever spent was the coffee hour following worship services.” I’m haunted and distressed by this. It should never be. A genuine and lively church is built upon the friendly touch and kind word.

Ms. Theologian’s post about praise, in which she advises readers to “think of how to be sincere and grateful in your praise,” is a positive reminder to us to intentionally praise others. As she notes, “We live in a cynical culture where people are rarely praised (or given attention) for being good.” I would add that noticing other’s good actions and cultivating our compassion for others might also help us notice our own positive decisions and feel a little more of the “self-compassion” that Rayne reminds us is critical to surviving rejections.

There’s no one formula for surviving rejection, and learning whatever lessons need to be learned from it, while still maintaining a sense of self-compassion. I’m writing to lift up that dealing with rejection is a spiritual act, one that involves searching for and nurturing our deepest understanding of what gives our existence value.