The Ups and Downs of Church

I’ve been active in my congregation for about five years, and throughout that time there have been ups and downs.

I stay because the good times far outweigh the bad. The overall growth that I’ve experienced by being a member of my church has been tremendous. I love the people in the congregation. I feel connected to the church’s history, and I’m invested in its future.

That said, sometimes church life can be frustrating. My congregation has lost both of our longtime ministers in the past year and a half. The ministerial changes have led to changes in lay leadership, and in programs. Some of these changes are for the best. But it is hard to say goodbye to ministers, lay leaders and programs that have been a beloved part of our community.

From reading other Unitarian Universalist blogs, I know that I am not the only one who gets disappointed with church sometimes.

Disappointment can be caused by too many changes in the church when stability is needed. Or by stagnation, when adaptation is needed.

Other congregants can also be sources of disappointment. Let’s face it, none of us are perfect, and even in church, we’re not always on our best behavior.

As a minister friend of mine once reflected, “We hope people will bring their best selves to church, but they don’t always. Sometimes they bring their wounded selves, their tired selves, their selves who are having trouble at home…We need to minister to that too.” Ministering to one another in those moments can be a challenge.

And sometimes things happen in churches that are downright traumatic, such as when abuse and/or violence takes place in a congregation. I am lucky not to have experienced this kind of trauma in my congregation, and trauma in congregations is not the focus of this post. But I want to acknowledge that these more serious cases do happen. (For resources on dealing with clergy sexual misconduct, see uugrrl’s blog)

Many people, maybe even some of you who are reading this, have experienced the frustrations that can come along with the joys of congregational life.

There’s no formula for responding to such frustrations. There are a few things have helped me find spiritual nourishment, and remain committed to my congregation. These include…

1. Staying active in the congregation. It might seem counterintuitive. But participating in committees and spiritual practice groups provides a sense of continuity. And it is an opportunity to enjoy being of service to other people in the congregation.

2. And also stepping back. A couple times this summer, I’ve worshipped at other congregations in the area, just to have some space and receive spiritual nourishment in a different setting.

3. Discussing challenges with people outside of the congregation. I’m really blessed to have my spouse and another close friend as listeners. Because they’re not members of my congregation, they’re neutral listeners.

4. Talking with several people in the congregation has been very helpful to me too. They’re not neutral, but they can give me a sense of “being in it together.” They assure me that it’s okay to feel frustrated at times, and that that frustration is normal. They can also remind me that there are a lot of positive things going on in the congregation.

5. Engaging in spiritual practice. Painting is a spiritual practice that I enjoy, and have been trying to make more a part of my life this year. I’ve found that at times when I am having trouble putting things into words, or thinking them through, it helps me to just set out the brush, paints, water and paper, and get started.

6. Talking to the minister (assuming he or she is a supportive presence). My congregation is now being served by two very skilled interim ministers. I’ve particularly gotten to know our interim parish minister, who joined us last fall. Usually I am very hesitant about seeking her out “just to talk.” I think “she must be so busy,” and “I’m not really in that much need…other people in the congregation probably need her more.” But gradually I’ve come to realize that my minister is an invaluable resource. It’s worth setting up the appointment to receive guidance and support.