Comments on: The Sincere Compliment http://www.lookingforfaith.org/blog/2007/the-sincere-compliment Religion and spirituality from a Unitarian Universalist perspective Wed, 08 Oct 2008 04:40:18 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.3.3 By: Shelby Meyerhoff http://www.lookingforfaith.org/blog/2007/the-sincere-compliment#comment-5022 Shelby Meyerhoff Sat, 03 Nov 2007 15:23:49 +0000 http://www.lookingforfaith.org/blog/2007/the-sincere-compliment#comment-5022 Jim, That is a wonderful story about Ella, and an important lesson in helping her develop her own positive self-image. As you and your wife know, the way that children hear things phrased influences how they understand themselves and the world. With older children, I've seen teachers very effectively use the vocabulary of "choices," to help children take greater responsibility for their own actions and their self-image. Rather than say "you were bad today" which gives children a poor self-image, they might say something like "today you made some choices that got you in trouble" and then discuss what choices the student could make next time. Ms. Theologian, yes, the specificity is key -- comments that are more specific help children see what they did well (so they can build on it), and they are also more believable. Do you think that's true for adults too? John, Totally agreed. The same receptivity to the world around them that makes middle school students react so strongly to praise can also make them react strongly to minor upsets and insults. And of course, their bodies and feelings are changing faster than they are sometimes able to adjust to. It's a confusing time, which is why praise and positive adult involvement are SO important. And yes, not just from parents! By the way, you might like the blog "Can I Sit With You?" http://canisitwithyou.blogspot.com/ It's a collection of stories by adults about those coming-of-age years (without a nostalgic gloss). Jim,

That is a wonderful story about Ella, and an important lesson in helping her develop her own positive self-image.

As you and your wife know, the way that children hear things phrased influences how they understand themselves and the world.

With older children, I’ve seen teachers very effectively use the vocabulary of “choices,” to help children take greater responsibility for their own actions and their self-image. Rather than say “you were bad today” which gives children a poor self-image, they might say something like “today you made some choices that got you in trouble” and then discuss what choices the student could make next time.

Ms. Theologian, yes, the specificity is key — comments that are more specific help children see what they did well (so they can build on it), and they are also more believable. Do you think that’s true for adults too?

John, Totally agreed. The same receptivity to the world around them that makes middle school students react so strongly to praise can also make them react strongly to minor upsets and insults. And of course, their bodies and feelings are changing faster than they are sometimes able to adjust to. It’s a confusing time, which is why praise and positive adult involvement are SO important. And yes, not just from parents!

By the way, you might like the blog “Can I Sit With You?” http://canisitwithyou.blogspot.com/ It’s a collection of stories by adults about those coming-of-age years (without a nostalgic gloss).

]]> By: John 672 http://www.lookingforfaith.org/blog/2007/the-sincere-compliment#comment-4991 John 672 Fri, 02 Nov 2007 23:15:51 +0000 http://www.lookingforfaith.org/blog/2007/the-sincere-compliment#comment-4991 Another thing I would like to point out is that, for most children, middle school is perhaps the most challenging time of their lives. When folks talk about "childhood trauma," most often they are referring to an incident that occurred right about puberty. I think you bring out a very good point; we need to, as a society, praise our children more often. That doesn't mean only if you are that child's parents... Kudos to you! Namaste, - John www.thepagelessbook.com Another thing I would like to point out is that, for most children, middle school is perhaps the most challenging time of their lives. When folks talk about “childhood trauma,” most often they are referring to an incident that occurred right about puberty.

I think you bring out a very good point; we need to, as a society, praise our children more often. That doesn’t mean only if you are that child’s parents…

Kudos to you! Namaste,
- John
http://www.thepagelessbook.com

]]> By: Ms. Theologian http://www.lookingforfaith.org/blog/2007/the-sincere-compliment#comment-4988 Ms. Theologian Fri, 02 Nov 2007 21:15:32 +0000 http://www.lookingforfaith.org/blog/2007/the-sincere-compliment#comment-4988 I read something in my day job work about specific comments being more useful to middle schoolers, which, of course, you did, Shelby. I read something in my day job work about specific comments being more useful to middle schoolers, which, of course, you did, Shelby.

]]> By: Jim http://www.lookingforfaith.org/blog/2007/the-sincere-compliment#comment-4987 Jim Fri, 02 Nov 2007 20:40:50 +0000 http://www.lookingforfaith.org/blog/2007/the-sincere-compliment#comment-4987 I think that the best compliments strike some bell deep within and resonate outward over time. When praising our 3-year-old daughter, Ella, my wife and I have been saying, "Wow! That's great! You must be really proud of yourself." The idea is that her own pride and sense of accomplishment are more important and meaningful than her parents' praise or pride. And our strategy seems to be working. The other day, she finished putting together a puzzle and said glowingly, "I'm so proud of myself!" Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine. I think that the best compliments strike some bell deep within and resonate outward over time.

When praising our 3-year-old daughter, Ella, my wife and I have been saying, “Wow! That’s great! You must be really proud of yourself.” The idea is that her own pride and sense of accomplishment are more important and meaningful than her parents’ praise or pride.

And our strategy seems to be working. The other day, she finished putting together a puzzle and said glowingly, “I’m so proud of myself!”

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

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