The Sincere Compliment
Category: Unitarian Universalism - General
On Halloween night, I had dinner at a friend’s house. She lives in a neighborhood full of families, and therefore trick-or-treaters. Every time the doorbell rang, we sprang up from the table and dashed to the door to give out candy and admire the children’s costumes. There were some really elaborate princess dresses, and at least three of four black body suits with control panels on the front (I think these were Star Wars storm trooper costumes, but don’t quote me!)
A group came by with several little princesses and behind them a slightly older girl, maybe 11 years old, chubby, with plain clothes but an elaborate face painting. She hung back awkwardly. She reminded me of myself at that age. I exclaimed, “Hey, nice makeup!” Her mouth went from a flat line to a huge smile. I found myself grinning back, surprised at her sudden shift in mood.
Over the last few years, I’ve spent a lot of time working with youth in schools and churches. One thing I’ve noticed about middle school kids is how strongly they react to encouragement. A sincere, well-timed word of praise can make them smile wide and stand up straighter. You can see them reacting with pride.
Most of us adults do not respond in the same way to small compliments. We do not usually radiant delight in response when someone says, “I really liked your drawing in our office newsletter” or “it was so nice to have lunch with you today.” We’re used to guarding our feelings a little, tempering our visible reponses to the world around us.
And so when we are the praise-giver, we might not see how our compliment impacts another person. And yet! It does. Some of the compliments people have given me have stuck with me for years. And they weren’t necessarily the most extravagant compliments, and they didn’t come from people trying to win me over. These compliments were just a few words, sincere and appreciative.
So next time you notice something positive in someone else, even if it is something small, something others might not bother remarking upon, take a minute to say a few words of praise.
November 2nd, 2007 16:40
I think that the best compliments strike some bell deep within and resonate outward over time.
When praising our 3-year-old daughter, Ella, my wife and I have been saying, “Wow! That’s great! You must be really proud of yourself.” The idea is that her own pride and sense of accomplishment are more important and meaningful than her parents’ praise or pride.
And our strategy seems to be working. The other day, she finished putting together a puzzle and said glowingly, “I’m so proud of myself!”
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
November 2nd, 2007 17:15
I read something in my day job work about specific comments being more useful to middle schoolers, which, of course, you did, Shelby.
November 2nd, 2007 19:15
Another thing I would like to point out is that, for most children, middle school is perhaps the most challenging time of their lives. When folks talk about “childhood trauma,” most often they are referring to an incident that occurred right about puberty.
I think you bring out a very good point; we need to, as a society, praise our children more often. That doesn’t mean only if you are that child’s parents…
Kudos to you! Namaste,
- John
http://www.thepagelessbook.com
November 3rd, 2007 11:23
Jim,
That is a wonderful story about Ella, and an important lesson in helping her develop her own positive self-image.
As you and your wife know, the way that children hear things phrased influences how they understand themselves and the world.
With older children, I’ve seen teachers very effectively use the vocabulary of “choices,” to help children take greater responsibility for their own actions and their self-image. Rather than say “you were bad today” which gives children a poor self-image, they might say something like “today you made some choices that got you in trouble” and then discuss what choices the student could make next time.
Ms. Theologian, yes, the specificity is key — comments that are more specific help children see what they did well (so they can build on it), and they are also more believable. Do you think that’s true for adults too?
John, Totally agreed. The same receptivity to the world around them that makes middle school students react so strongly to praise can also make them react strongly to minor upsets and insults. And of course, their bodies and feelings are changing faster than they are sometimes able to adjust to. It’s a confusing time, which is why praise and positive adult involvement are SO important. And yes, not just from parents!
By the way, you might like the blog “Can I Sit With You?” http://canisitwithyou.blogspot.com/ It’s a collection of stories by adults about those coming-of-age years (without a nostalgic gloss).