I totally agree; lay pastoral care groups are a great idea and it’s a loss for us that we don’t have one. I’m hoping there will be a chance to start something up when we have a settled parish minister (we’re in transition until next September).

A few years ago a few laypeople did start a group; it was focused less on counseling and more on the practical things you mention, like sending cards to someone who is sick. But the group faded out quickly, perhaps due to lack of volunteers. It leaves a gap in the services we can provide for each other, and especially for congregants who are not tapped into small groups or other support networks.

Thanks for your insights on this. It’s helpful to hear that other congregations do have such teams and that they are appreciated.

Wow. A lack of a pastoral care team sucks.

Who organizes the food for funerals and coordinates helping old people with minor home repairs?

Your church should organize the resident crop of old ladies into one ASAP.

It’s good for the old ladies and good for the congregation. Some of the folks on ours do practical stuff, some of them do counseling.

My impression is that for something like domestic violence they would mostly listen and suggest outside resources. But still, that’s something.

CC

I think pastoral care teams are a great idea. We don’t have a lay pastoral care team at my own congregation. We also don’t make it widely known that pastoral counseling is available from the ministers, so I worry that some people who are in the congregation but not very active may not know this resource is available.

So one important step, as I see it, is to make sure pastoral care resources are available AND that people know how to get connected to them. I also think it is important for the ministerial staff to emphasize that seeking help for domestic violence is not a shameful thing, and that domestic violence impacts people in all walks of life.

However, I wouldn’t feel comfortable making a more specific recommendation about exactly how ministers should talk about this issue, since I’m not an expert on church intervention in domestic violence. Ditto for your question about to reach victims who are isolated. It’s an important question, but one that should be answered by an expert.

If an abuse victim feels ready to come forward about it, it seems to me there are lots of resources. I’ve never attended a UU church that didn’t have a pastoral care team in some form or another that could facilitate counseling, temporary shelter upon leaving the spouse, etc.

If the abuser comes forward, there are counseling resources available as well.

While a “spousal abuse prevention team” of some sort is a possibility, I see two major issues with it.

1. Just knowing how church cultures tend to work when they start to see somebody as a project, I’m pretty sure the “No, I’m not being abused. I have lupus. We get bruises. Look it up, and please leave my husband and me alone” issue would be rampant.

2. My understanding of abuse is such that an abuser will do whatever he/she can to isolate his/her spouse from any place with a group like that. IMHO, the victim would quit the church long before he/she were ready to come forward.

Do you have another suggestion?

The point I was making is that people within our congregations are likely suffering as victims and perpetrators of domestic violence, and we need to provide services to them. These services include counseling and helping the victim safely leave the abusive situation. This is our religious obligation.

The fact that some religious groups are reading and interpreting the Bible in a sexist way that perpetuates oppression is lamentable. But that doesn’t lessen our own responsibility to help UU congregants who are suffering from domestic violence.

I’d say it’s more important for Christians to make a big point of the wrongness of domestic violence, particularly those who are preaching the Bible as unerring.

CC

Thank you for sharing your experiences about how domestic violence is treated by congregations and ministers. Like Hafidha, I’ve never heard of a UU congregation making a concerted effort to address domestic violence among its own membership. And I don’t think it is because our members are somehow immune to being victims or perpetrators.

Unfortunately, my suspicion is that the silence on this issue comes out of a mistaken belief that domestic violence happens to “other people,” as Jacqueline alludes to in her mention of ministers who didn’t think it could happen in their own congregations.

For a long time, I’ve been concerned by a similar lack of visibility and effort around substance abuse, even though this too is a rampant problem that causes severe harm to people across the socio-economic spectrum. I don’t know of any UU substance abuse ministries that serve members of UU congregations, although there may be some out there. I know some congregations may provide space for AA to meet, but I think it would be helpful for UU congregations to also provide supplementary services.

I don’t want to equate the situation of a domestic abuse victim and a substance abuser, as in many ways they are quite different. But in both cases, there is a high level of stigma attached to admitting one’s situation and seeking help. And in both cases, congregations may be tempted to think that only “other people” have these problems. People in such a congregation who need help may be ashamed to ask for it, and the congregation’s silence may only reinforce that sense of stigma. In the case of victims of domestic violence, there may also be a very real physical risk in seeking out services, so that the victim needs to know he or she will receive real protection after seeking help from the congregation.

One more thing I want to add is that there may be a lot of pastoral counseling on these issues happening in UU congregations, that is simply not visible due to confidentiality. Pastoral counseling is a valuable service that our congregations provide. But I do think we need to take things a step further by openly creating and publicizing resources dealing with issues such as domestic violence and substance abuse, and by admitting that these problems impact people everywhere.