Spirituality and Marriage

I officiated a wedding for the first time this summer. This was in a purely secular capacity, using a one-day license granted by the state of Massachusetts. The couple are close friends of mine and do not consider themselves religious, but they wanted a ceremony that would be personal and beautiful.

I worked with them to develop the ceremony. We discussed together what they enjoyed about one another, how their relationship had evolved over time, what their hopes were for their future together, and what they had learned from one another thus far. These discussions helped us to develop a ceremony that was authentic and meaningful to them.

My husband and I went through a similar process with my minister, when we developed our wedding ceremony last year. We too discussed what we valued in one another, the evolution of our relationship, and our vision for our life ahead. The process of reflection and the rituals that grew out of that process have continued meaning for me.

It seems that the marriage ceremony is one of the all too rare times that couples have an opportunity to reflect on the deeper meaning of their relationship, and express their commitment through ritual. Yet, continued reflection and ritual can help strengthen lifelong unions.

Earlier this summer, a friend of mine from church gave a terrific sermon on sexual ethics in the Unitarian Universalist tradition, and discussed marriage. She quoted from the January/February 2005 UUWorld article by William Doherty, titled “A New Theology of Marriage: Time to Commit.” Doherty captures perfectly the need for “a new theology of marriage for a new era,” and for resources that help us integrate spirituality and marriage in our daily lives.
He writes:

More than anything else, I believe we need a Unitarian Universalist view of marriage that combines our traditional strengths in individual freedom, our more recently acquired affirmations of gender equality and equality by sexual orientation, and the new ground we will have to plow to develop a theology of commitment, spiritual growth, and public and private covenant in marriage. It would be a powerful message to American society and religious critics of same-sex marriage if we publicly commit ourselves to forging a new theology of marriage for a new era, linked with innovative practices of congregational support to offer all couples, of whatever gender, the spiritual and community resources they need to flourish for a lifetime together. It’s time to go deeper on marriage.

Yes, indeed.

Marriage is one of the key institutions in which people have the chance to celebrate, embody, and experience love. It’s not the only relationship that offers such an opportunity, nor is marriage crucial to a happy and fulfilled spiritual life. People find life-sustaining love in many different kinds of relationships, including relationships between relatives and between platonic friends. All of these relationships, including marriage, need be honored and reflected upon as critical elements in our spiritual lives.

Unitarian Universalist congregations and individuals can offer resources that support married people at all points along the way. And for those of us who are married, we can benefit from considering our own “theology of marriage,” and seeking support from our friends, family, and faith community as we continue our journeys.