Reconciliation

The Velveteen Rabbi’s post today (“This week’s portion: the meaning of the kiss”) explores the relationship of Jacob and his brother Esau in Genesis. It’s a story of conflict and reconciliation, relevant especially in this season of family gatherings.

As a youth, Jacob cheated his brother Esau twice. Esau, in turn, planned to murder Jacob (see Genesis 27:41). But Jacob was warned and quickly left home.

Years later, the two brothers meet again. Jacob fears the encounter will turn violent, and before they meet he prays to God, “Deliver me, please, from the hand of Esau, for I am afraid of him; he may come and kill us all…” (Genesis 32:11).

Esau surprises him instead: “But Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck and kissed him, and they wept.” (Genesis 32:4) Jacob offers Esau a gift, which Esau at first declines. Jacob then insists: “Jacob said, ‘No, please; if I find favor with you, then accept my present from my hand; for truly to see your face is like seeing the face of God — since you have received me with such favor. Please accept my gift that is brought to you, because God has dealt graciously with me, and because I have everything I want.”

The Velveteen Rabbi imagines how each brother has had to change to make reconciliation possible:

I see in this text reason to hope that people are capable of change. This is an I-Thou moment! Jacob’s experiences with Laban, his marriages, and his experience of fatherhood have shaped him into someone who’s capable of seeing his brother in a new light.

Granted, the change doesn’t seem to come naturally to him. Earlier in the portion we read about the extensive preparations he took because he feared that Esau would attack him. Clearly their old baggage has a powerful pull, even on this new mature adult Jacob. But evidently Esau has had some maturing adventures of his own, because when they finally cross paths he pulls Jacob into a tight hug and doesn’t want to let go. One way or another, these twins are able — finally — to recognize that they can interact in a new way. They don’t have to play out the old family dynamics of favoritism and bitterness and angst.

In order for the brothers’ to break out of the negative cycle, they have to go through an internal process of healing. During their separation, some change has taken place in each of them that allows them to move forward.

The Velveteen Rabbi describes how Jacob has changed, and is thereby able to appreciate Esau in a new way. As I read the story, I am more curious about Esau. Jacob has a close relationship with God, he’s cheated Esau out of his due, he has two wives (including his beloved Rachel), and he is his mother’s favorite. As he himself says, “God has dealt graciously with me, and because I have everything I want.” Okaaay.

But what about Esau; has God been gracious with him? Does he have everything he wants? The text gives far less detail about Esau, so we don’t know whether his life has improved since Jacob left home.

And yet! Esau is able to forgive Jacob, to shower mercy upon him, when the two meet. To me, this is the most inspiring part of the story. Both brothers have changed, but it Esau who can offer forgiveness, and he chooses to do so.

Note: All Hebrew Scriptures quotations above are from the New Revised Standard Version.