Ms. Fix-It

There is a children’s book series titled Mr. Men and Little Miss. Each book centers on a particular character, such as Mr. Messy, Little Miss Bossy, or Little Miss Chatterbox. I loved these books as a child, and am delighted that they are still in print (although I think it may be time to change the prefix to “Ms.”).

Even years later, I remember many of the characters. In addition to Mr. Messy and Little Miss Bossy, and Little Miss Chatterbox, there is also Mr. Grumpy and Mr. Noisy, and many more. They represent personality traits we all have inside us, but exaggerated so we can laugh at them, and at ourselves.

There are two books that could be added to this series, and would be particularly helpful to us adults: Ms. (or Mr.) Fix-It and Ms. (or Mr.) Listening.

Ms. Fix-It is always looking to “fix” the situation at hand. She rushes in to help when a friend is in trouble. For this reason, Ms. Fix-It is a great person to have around sometimes. When you’re moving apartments and you think you can’t possibly lift another box, Ms. Fix-It assures you it will all work out, while she carries the rest down the stairs.

We all enjoy having a Ms. Fix-It around from time to time, and I think most of us get a good feeling from being a Ms. Fix-It when needed. But there’s also a time when we need to let go of the desire to FIX.

The fact is that some things can’t be fixed, and when that is the case, trying to fix them only makes things worse.

Trying to fix other people’s feelings is the first step to disappointment and relationship breakdown. When a friend is feeling sad, Ms. Fix-It says, “you don’t need to feel sad,” or “I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.” Maybe Ms. Fix-It simply can’t bear to see her good friend feeling sad. Or maybe Ms. Fix-It thinks her friend is over-reacting, and Ms. F. wants to put things in perspective.

But these fixing maneuvers get in the way of true intimacy. Friendship comes out of listening to another person and honoring what she is feeling.

One Ms. Listening might instead say, “I can see why you feel so angry,” or “that must be very painful.” Ms. Listening lets her friends know that it is ok to feel upset, and that she will stand by them even when their situation does not have a quick fix.

We also can use fixing and listening on ourselves. We try to fix the problems in our lives, so that we can develop our talents, achieve career goals, strengthen our relationships with others and generally lead a better lives. But there are also times we need to be gentle on ourselves, to accept our limitations and acknowledge our frustrations.

The first verse of the “serenity prayer,” adapted by Alcoholics Anonymous from a prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr, sums this up: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”