Is “Kind, True, Necessary” Too Much?
Category: Uncategorized
There is an adage that before we speak, we should consider whether our words are “kind,” “true,” and “necessary.”
I’ve recently come across two writers examining this adage. Rev. Claire Phillips-Thoryn preached the sermon “Kind, True, Necessary” at the First Parish in Lincoln, Massachusetts. Nancy Heege wrote “Is it True? Is it Kind? Will it Help?” on her blog, Nancy’s Views on the Landscape. Both are good reads. Phillips-Thoryn explains the roots of the word “gossip” in church, and explores when gossip is beneficial, while Heege’s post is more short-and-to-the-point.
But I think the phrase “Kind, True, Necessary” needs to be reworded. There are times when each of us needs to speak out in a way that is true and necessary, but not kind. The word “kind” makes me think of words that are sweet and pleasant. These words can have a wonderful impact on a person. But not everything that needs to be said in life is kind. Sometimes saying the necessary and true thing means facing some very unkind realities about another person.
A better word would be “fair-minded.” When we judge others, we ought to do so in a way that is fair, trying to see past our own limitations, and taking into account the other person’s experience. We’ll never achieve total objectivity, but our goal should be to see as clearly as possible. Only from there can we make an authentic choice to speak in a way that is true and necessary. And, to the greatest extent possible, kind.
Update 11/25: In the comments to this post, Ms. Kitty and H Sofia address the use of the word “kindness.” Hafidha suggests that “Perhaps a word that underlines the noble intentions of the speaker would be better than ‘kind.’” To me, the phrase “noble intentions” starts to get at the question of whether we should speak out in self-interest, or whether there needs to be some greater good or principle at stake.
Ms. Kitty notes that the definitions of kindness in the dictionary include “understanding and humane,” a phrase that describes well what is needed in telling someone an unpleasant truth. She also notes, “It is a kindness to let someone know, tactfully and understandingly, that their behavior is out of bounds.”
Elizabeth shared an example from her marriage, noting that “we can’t always be kind - what we can avoid, though, is being unkind. Grouchy-ness isn’t kind, necessarily, but it isn’t unkind. Same with being tired, angry, exhausted, frustrated…. when we feel like this we can’t always be kind, but we can avoid being unkind to each other.”
November 25th, 2007 15:26
“Kind” is a word that can be interpreted as “sweet and pleasant” and often is, but I think it’s better interpreted as “understanding and humane”, which are definitions given in my dictionary.
Kindness is a major virtue in many world religions and it doesn’t just mean being sweet and glossing over bad stuff. It means approaching a person with understanding and tact.
But I agree that it may not always seem kind to call someone on bad behavior. It is a kindness to let someone know, tactfully and understandingly, that their behavior is out of bounds.
Kindness is an attitude that shapes how we tell someone an unpleasant reality.
Semantics, I guess.
November 25th, 2007 18:23
Perhaps a word that underlines the noble intentions of the speaker would be better than “kind.” But what word would that be?
November 25th, 2007 20:47
Wolfgang and I were recently talking about the need to be kind to each other, but realized that we can’t always be kind - what we can avoid, though, is being unkind. Grouchy-ness isn’t kind, necessarily, but it isn’t unkind. Same with being tired, angry, exhausted, frustrated…. when we feel like this we can’t always be kind, but we can avoid being unkind to each other. Good post, Shelby. Happy Thanksgiving!
November 25th, 2007 23:38
Ms. Kitty,
As you said, tact and understanding should always be present in our interactions with other people, especially when we are discussing an unpleasant truth. It was more the connotations of the word “kindness” that I was reacting to than the literal definition. Your insight that “It is a kindness to let someone know, tactfully and understandingly, that their behavior is out of bounds” is an important one.
Hafidha,
I was thinking “fair-minded,” but I like the phrase “understanding and humane” too, which Ms. Kitty suggested.
Elizabeth,
Hi! Thanks for commenting. I agree that when we are feeling angry/tired/exhausted etc., it’s harder to be kind to our partners— but we can at make an effort not to take our feelings out on them in unkind ways. I appreciate you sharing this example from your marriage.
This also made me think about the healthy ways in which darker feelings can be expressed in a marriage or another very close relationship.
For me, I need to have the freedom to express to a close friend when I am feeling sad, angry, tired etc., and know that if I express these feelings in a respectful (non-abusive way), the other person will not be torn apart, but instead will remain present. I really value those relationships where I can share not only the happy feelings but also the darker ones, while still keeping the relationship strong.
November 26th, 2007 15:21
Shelby, thanks for how you have amplified the conversation with both your update and your comment. How graceful and affirming!
November 27th, 2007 10:25
:smile: Thanks Ms. Kitty.
November 28th, 2007 22:09
I agree with Ms. Kitty, Shelby. You are a model for responding to blog comments. Time will tell, but I hope/think it has inspired me to respond more consistently to commenters on ELB. I also find it amusing that you were obsessed with video games when you were younger. Very cute!
November 29th, 2007 14:05
Thanks, Elizabeth. I’m really glad you’ve kept up Elizabeth’s Little Blog, even with all your other time commitments. By the way, the next time I see you in person I have a really funny story about the Secret.