How Do You Know When to Say Something?

I was standing on a subway platform recently, and looked over to see a young man and woman a few feet away. The woman was wearing a sleeveless white shirt. On her otherwise blemish-free arm, I noticed a large, unusual looking bump. My first thought was “She needs to go to the dermatologist right now and get that checked out.” Then I was overwhelmed with the urge to say something to her, to approach this total stranger and tell her I thought she might have skin cancer.

Then I had some doubts. I’m not a dermatologist, so it’s not like I really know what I’m talking about. And I don’t want to frighten her. And she might be hurt that I would assume, knowing little about her, that she doesn’t know to see a doctor. And what if it’s a birthmark. So I was wrestling with all these doubts when she walked away a few moments later.

I’m still not sure what I should have done. There are definitely times when it is better to say nothing. I was also overwhelmed with the desire to say something to a woman I saw in the airport restroom who had a Velcro leash tied around her wrist, linking her to her daughter’s backpack by less than three feet of rope. It worried me, but it wasn’t doing the child any visible harm, and I don’t know anything about the relationship between her and her mother. I’m glad I kept my thoughts to myself.

But I may never forget Unitarian Universalist minister Victoria Weinstein’s account of reaching out to a stranger in an abusive relationship. She describes the encounter in her blog post: “Speaking Out Against Abuse When You See It.” Rev. Weinstein telephoned a woman at a restaurant, after seeing the woman verbally abused by her dinner companion. Rev. Weinstein’s account of the abuse is chilling. In the call, Rev. Weinstein explained what she had observed, expressed concern for the woman, and encouraged her to seek help. I hoped as I read it that I would have the same level of wherewithal, and courage, if I witnessed such abuse.

In some instances, such as when we observe abuse and can take action to prevent it, it is clear that we have to speak up. In other situations, the best approach is not obvious, and there may be conflicting moral obligations.

This often comes up in friendships, including those within congregations. On the one hand, we have an obligation to offer support to our friends. This often means helping them achieve their own goals, rather than deciding what we think they should do. And the fact is that offering support is sometimes just easier. It’s easy to “go along to get along.”

But on the other hand, we have an obligation to speak up when we are concerned that a friend may be making a serious mistake.

In the seven principles that guide Unitarian Universalist congregations, some of these tensions are expressed. The third principle is “to affirm and promote…Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations” and the fourth is “to affirm and promote…A free and responsible search for truth and meaning.”

The third principle calls us to accept the basic fabric that makes each of us who we are, while at the same time helping one another continue to develop in our spiritual lives. Challenging one another is fine and even desirable. “Tearing someone down to build them back up” is not.

The fourth principle reinforces the third, while emphasizing the importance of an ongoing spiritual search. Our search is to be free. We should not dictate one another’s theological beliefs. Our search is also to be responsible. That means that if we notice someone harming themselves or others in their own search, we need to step in, whether that harm is physical, emotional or material.

As I write this, I’m thinking it would be helpful to develop a list of questions to ask myself the next time I’m wondering if I should speak up. Things like, “What harm might happen if I don’t speak up? If I do? Is there an opportunity to speak in a way that this person will really hear what I am saying? If our roles were reversed, would I want the other person to speak up?”

What are some of the questions that you, dear readers, would add to this list? How do you discern when to speak up?