From the Heart

I recently had a conversation with a friend about a problem in my spiritual life. She suggested I approach the problem “from my heart.” She said, “don’t try too hard to think it through, try to feel it through.” I nodded, “I’ll try.”

What I realized as soon as the conversation was over is that I don’t actually have a method for feeling my way through a problem. It’s not like I can flip a switch (”Ok, I was being analytical before, now it’s feeling time.”) I wouldn’t describe myself as overly-analytical to start with — as emotions arise, I am aware of them. But I was being encouraged to intentionally stay with these emotions, and even use them for direction.

Although I didn’t actually have a plan for how to do this, I have noticed some subtle shifts in my way of being over the past few weeks. I have been feeling more intensely, and I think it is because some of my habits have changed. I’ve spent more time exercising and drawing and painting (see above). These are activities that rely a lot on the feeling side (unlike much of the work I do during the day).

Sometimes the feelings that arise are unpleasant. For example, when I am exercising, a frustration or disappointment from earlier in the day might float into my mind, and it’s hard to keep moving. Or when I am painting, my consciousness wanders around, pulling up feelings and heightening them, including the unhappy ones. But through these activities, I also feel like I’m creating a safe space to explore the feelings.

About a week ago, I was walking home when suddenly I was overwhelmed with anxiety about another problem, one that has been on my mind for awhile. I stopped on a bench and sat for a while. I realized that I just couldn’t think my way through this problem anymore. I was tired of saying to myself, “no, don’t feel that way, this problem is going to be solved right away, I have a six-step-plan, step one starts right now…” How exhausting!

My feelings led in another direction. I realized, “I don’t have a solution to this problem right now. And that’s really upsetting. And no amount of thinking is going to change that.” I prayed on this problem, and I turned it over to God. I decided I’m going to keep doing the best I can with this problem, but I have to leave room for God’s help.

Of course, I know it’s going to be an ongoing struggle to actually leave it with God. My mind still loves to race for solutions, but my feelings are telling me that I have to turn this one over.