Facing Our Feelings

I’m taking a graphic design class several nights a week now, as a way of exploring my interest in web design. One of our assignments has been to collect images of objects that we come across in our daily lives, or that we are particularly interested in. Our teacher advised us to photograph and draw not only things we think are beautiful, but also things that we hate–things that repulse us.

When we returned to class after several days, each student had assembled many images. But few of these images were of things we really hated. The teacher noticed. He explained that we tend to turn away quickly from the things that disgust us, and then forget both the object and the feeling it briefly brought up. I know this happens to me. I’ll see dust in the corner of the living room and think “hmm, that dust is gross” and then I’ll sit on the couch and read my e-mail. Whatever feeling of disgust I may have had is there and gone so fast, I barely register it, and I don’t act on it.

Sometimes minimizing our negative feelings is productive. If every time I saw a piece of dust in the house I was overwhelmed with sadness and rushed for the broom, I’d have time for little else but cleaning. The same principle applies on a larger scale. People often talk about forgiveness as a spiritual discipline, and about the relief it gives us to let go of old grudges, old angers, and old hurts.

That said, there is also a significant danger in letting go of our negative feelings too quickly. My teacher wanted us to capture images of things we hate, because those images are likely to be more expressive. They will tell us and the viewer something about who we are and how we feel.

When we spend too much energy ignoring negative emotions, we can’t know we are and what we feel. And this is dangerous. After uugrrl raised the issue of clergy misconduct in a comment on this site, I began reading Sex in the Parish, a well-regarded book by Karen Lebacqz and Ronald G. Barton that addresses the sexual lives of ministers. In a section on clergy members who are sex addicts, Lebacqz and Barton explore the link between addiction and the repression of negative feelings.

Lebacqz and Barton write about another pair of researchers on the subject, who found “that most addicts ‘are almost totally out of touch with their feelings, intuition, and other similar sources of information.’ …one of the primary characteristics of addictive people is their separation from their true feelings.” (Lebacqz and Barton, 80).

Feelings and intuitions can serve as warning-bells, giving us a clue when something is not right. Negative emotions such as anger, hurt, or fear can alert us to information that we otherwise might not be conscious of. Lebacqz and Barton make the point that addicts are often far removed from their feelings, and as a result do not heed the emotional warning signs that their behavior is hurtful to themselves and to others.

This isn’t to say our negative emotions are always correct. Sometimes anger, hurt and fear come out of prejudice, or an over-reaction to past hurts. But sometimes they are danger signals we shouldn’t ignore. Our feelings may be telling us that we are being hurt by someone, or by our own actions, or that we are hurting someone else.

Unfortunately, dealing with fear, anger, loss, hurt and other such feelings is terrifying. These feelings have the power to overwhelm us, even incapacitate us, if we don’t have a safe space to deal with them. Furthermore, once we acknowledge these feelings, we may realize we have to make significant changes in our lives, for example, changing careers or leaving an abusive relationship. And changing involves risks, risks we may not feel ready to take. So, there are some powerful reasons that we may be tempted to avoid dealing with our negative emotions.

The passage I quoted above dealt with addiction, and how addiction is related to negative emotions. I did a summer chaplaincy several years ago, ministering to recovering drug and alcohol addicts in a detox unit. I learned quickly that many addicts had used drugs and alcohol to repress negative feelings that they had few resources to deal with. I realized that addressing negative emotions is paramount to having a healthy life, and that when we try to go around them, the consequences are disastrous.

Faith can help us start down the road of acknowledging our negative emotions. Last year, I worked with a spiritual director, which was a wonderful experience. Spiritual directors are trained professionals who guide spiritual seekers to a deeper understanding of their relationship with the divine. My spiritual director was not a Unitarian Universalist, but rather a Catholic nun. One of the best pieces of advice I received from her was to bring all of my feelings to God. Not only my happy feelings, but also my sad feelings. She emphasized to me that it is ok to tell God when I’m pissed, when I’m upset, and when I have doubts. These feelings, she assured me, do not make me a less “religious” person, or less worthy of God’s love.

Acknowledging anger, hurt, loss, doubt, fear, etc. is part of a strong spiritual life. These feelings are integral to who we are. If you are having any of these feelings in your life right now, I urge you to bring them to God, or to the Spirit or to whatever sacred presence is in your life. And to share them with a trusted friend, clergyperson, family member, counselor, or whomever can help you discuss these feelings in a safe way. Treat your negative feelings as valuable signs. Your feelings may be God’s way of calling you to make a change in your life. Honor them and listen to them.